The story of how we fell in love...

I am going to try to be more active on my blog, because I know that later on, it will be something I can look back on and be able to enjoy. So with that said, I'm going to tell you all about how Leigh and I met, and became the awesome married couple that we are now. Be prepared, it is a very, very long story.
 

In the Summer of 2005, I had just graduated high school. My Summer consisted of working at IHOP as a hostess, and hanging out with my friends, before we all went of to separate colleges and towns, and were not able to hang out as often anymore. One day I was with my friend Sarah at her house (where I spent 90% of my teenage life) and she said that our friend Gina and her girlfriend wanted to go to this city called Ferndale in Michigan. We said sure, it sounds awesome, and the next day a big blue truck pulled up in front of Sarah's house. When we walked outside to greet Gina and un-named girlfriend, I was almost stopped in my tracks when I saw a butch woman stepping out of her truck. Thus enters Leigh. 

She had an infectious smile, with gorgeous dimples, short hair, plaid shorts, and small tits, which were the first things I noticed about her. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life, and it took me a few minutes after the introductions to stop staring at her. And it seemed as though it was mutual, because she had nothing but smiles and bright eyes for me. We all got into her truck, Sarah and I in the backseat, and drove an hour to Ferndale. The entire trip all I could do was stare at her. I was barely aware of conversation, road-games that we played, and the music playing in the background. Surely this is what love-at-first-sight is. 

When we got to Ferndale, there was plenty to do. It is a very small city, just outside of Detroit, and is basically like a gay headquarters. Almost every store down the cobblestone street was either gay-friendly, or run by gay people, with giant rainbow flags everywhere. There were shops with costumes, some with books and movies, others with novelty items. When we walked into one shop called "Just 4 Us" they had shot glasses with gay sayings and pictures on them. I picked up one to look at it, and Leigh walked past me to look at something else, and playfully smacked my butt. I, of course, blushed and walked away, with the shot glass I had been holding at the time still in my hand. I ended up purchasing that glass, which was clear with a rainbow flag on it, as a memento of that moment. We continued on, traveling the city, and discovered an Old Navy outlet store. While browsing through the racks of discounted clothing, I found a polo that I thought would be perfect for Leigh, and bought it. She loved it, and as far as I know, kept it and wore it until it wore out.

Ferndale, Mi. "Just 4 Us" Store.

It was time to travel home, and on the way, we listened to the newest Black Eyed Peas album, which included the song "My Humps." Everyone in the truck loved this song, and it happened to be repeated many times. I decided to sit behind Leigh on the way home, and was informed later that Leigh (being the driver) had shifted the rear-view mirror so that she could see me in it. What a cheesy, yet adorable, move. When we finally got home, and Leigh and Gina had left, I was swooning. I had to know this girl, I had to be friends with her. Even if I couldn't be hers, I had to at least be in her life. Surely the World wasn't cruel enough to introduce this beautiful, amazing woman into my life, just to remove her from it after only one day.

Later that Summer, the four of us decided to get together again, to go to the drive-in movie theater just outside of Toledo. Once again, that big blue truck pulled up in front of Sarah's house, and my heart started pounding. My mind said "Why are you so excited? She's someone else's girlfriend!" but my heart had a mind of it's own that told me "This is the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, she's funny, interesting, and you need to know her." We all piled into the truck, and since back then we were poor and young stupid kids, right before we got to the drive-in, we pulled into a Wal-Mart parking lot. Gina and Sarah went in to get snacks for the movies, while Leigh and I stayed outside talking. When they returned, we decided that only Sarah and Gina would pay for the movie, that Leigh and I would crawl into the truck's bed under the bed cover, to avoid paying for ourselves. It was dark, cramped, we were very close together, and my head was spinning for the short drive to the theater.

Once we got there, we climbed out of the back, removed the bed cover, and set up for watching the movies. Leigh and Gina would lay on top of the cab, while Sarah and I sat in the truck bed. The first movie was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp, and even though I loved the movie, Leigh was apparently bored with it. She would eat a piece of candy or chocolate, and then toss the wrapper down my shirt, into my cleavage. In the break between the two movies showing, Sarah and Gina once again went off together, this time to the concession stand to get food and drinks. Leigh and I talked, and flirted, the entire time they were gone. By the time they got back, my face had to be 14 different shades of red, but luckily it was dark, and no one knew the difference. The second movie was The Dukes of Hazzard, and once again, wrappers were finding their way down my shirt. The ride home was a sad one, knowing that I was leaving for college and would probably not see her for a while.

Weeks later and I went to college at Bowling Green State University, and lived on campus in the dorms. I had joined the marching band, and was constantly on the field or in classes, because I had also loaded myself with 22 credit hours for the first semester. Leigh and I had been talking on and off through MySpace, and one day she told me that she and Gina had broken up. She and her friend Chet decided to come pay me a visit at BG one weekend, picked me up, this time in her red Neon, and we went to the store, and then on to her house. She had just left college, and was living in her parents' basement until she was able to move out on her own. We went to her basement/bedroom, and started to watch the movie "Bound" with Jennifer Tilly. Knowing that Leigh was now single was making my head spin. I had only ever dated men, I had only ever truly wanted men. I was bisexual, yes, but purely in the attractive/sexual level. I found women to be beautiful, sexy creatures-I never thought I would end up dating or married to a woman.

Chet went outside to have a cigarette, and as hard as I try, I can't remember who made the first move, but before the door had shut behind him, Leigh and I were kissing. It was different than any other person I had ever kissed before. It was softer, but with more force, it was gentle, but with more fire. It was mind-blowing, and at that moment, all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was kiss her. Chet continued to go outside for smoke breaks for about 95% of the night, probably at some encouragement from Leigh, but that was fine with me. I saw maybe 3 minutes of the movie the entire time it played. They took me back to the dorm later that night, and the following day Leigh came over. We cuddled, and kissed, and made-out as teenagers do, but I was still unsure of myself. I had never been with a woman before, and this woman was special, I didn't want to mess it up. We attempted to watch the Family Guy movie, but after 3 or 4 times of restarting it because we had missed so much, we gave up and just crawled into bed together, cuddled, and fell asleep. The next morning when I woke up next to her, I thought I was dreaming. Surely the most beautiful woman in the world was not in my bed, with her arms around me.

Due to marching band, and my course-load, I was so busy over the next two weeks that we didn't see each other again, but we did constantly text and talk online. One night, Halloween to be exact, I got a phone call from Leigh's phone, but it was not Leigh that spoke, it was Gina. She told me that Leigh had come back to her, they were back together, and that I was to stay away from both of them. She called me every rude name in the book, and broke my heart at the same time. That beautiful, sleeping angel I woke up next to two weeks ago, was not mine anymore, and it truly was a dream, because now I was living a nightmare. I didn't speak to Leigh for a long time after that. I threw myself into other relationships (all with men) who didn't compare to half of what Leigh meant to me. I slowly started getting worse grades, missing classes, forgetting homework, and by the end of the first semester, it was a serious possibility that I would lose my loans. In the end, it was too much, and my grades slipped past that magic number. I had a 3.48 at the end of my first year of college, but my loans required a 3.5 GPA, and dropped me, meaning I had no financial support to return to college next year.

I worked at Cedar Point that summer, and met a gorgeous woman named Jackie. She had blonde spiky/crazy hair, a tight athletic body, and I wanted her. But in wanting her, it brought back the pain of the beautiful woman with dimples I had and lost, and nothing ever became of Jackie and I. With no where else to go, I moved back home, got two jobs, and worked constantly. I had relationships here and there, and none of them were good for me. I moved in with my best friend from high school, who had also been my roommate in college, into a town-house in BG. I had missed the city, the people, and my friends. I got two jobs, and once again, worked constantly. One night I received a message from Leigh, saying that her and Gina were done, that she was so sorry she had ever gone back to her, but that Gina was so controlling and abusive she didn't think she had any other choice. We started talking again, and eventually, I decided to go to Leigh's birthday party. I brought my best friend/roommate Briana along with me, just to make sure that if my mind wasn't in control, and my heart took over, that she could get me out of there before I made a poor decision, like letting Leigh fully back into my life. We went to Hooters for her dinner, then back to Leigh and Chet's apartment for drinking. I couldn't take my eyes off of her the entire night. She had become a different person. New hair, new clothes, more self confidence, she was amazing. Whatever Gina had done to her, I cursed her name for it, because this woman standing in front of me was not the Leigh I fell head-over-heels in love with the first time I met her, it was an even better, stronger, more beautiful woman than before.

A few weeks later Leigh and I went to see a movie, "Dead Silence" in the theater. The movie seemed cheesy and dumb while watching it, but in hindsight that may be because I had Leigh sitting 2 inches from me. Once I got home (with no kiss goodnight) I was terrified, and ended up sleeping with my bedroom light on for weeks, thanks to that "cheesy and dumb" movie. We kept talking, but didn't see each other again for a while. At this point, I started dating someone from my past. Someone that fate kept pulling me to. Now, I consider this person my "Gina." Even though he was never physically or emotionally abusing, he was that one person that even though you know you are wrong for each other, you continue to go back to them. He lived in another state for most of the year, with weekend or week-long breaks now and then, but that was fine with me, because with any relationship where the person was close-by, I felt smothered. My friend was getting married, and without my boyfriend, I needed a date to the wedding. I called on my back-up, Leigh. She was more than happy, and dressed the part in a beautiful black button-down and slacks with a tie. We went out to eat, went to the wedding and reception, and had a great time. Once again, my heart flickered where my mind gave warning, and once again, I was dropped off at home, after an uneventful evening. 

Leigh and I at the Wedding Reception.

A week later, the roommate situation ended, abruptly, and I was forced to move back in with my parents. I got a new job, and a few weeks later, discovered something else, my period was late, but with all the commotion of moving, not having said boyfriend here, and getting a new job, I hadn't realized it. On the way home from work that night, I stopped at Wal-Mart, and got a pregnancy test. I couldn't even wait until I got home, and went into the bathroom at the store. Positive. I took a second one. Positive. I was in shock driving home, and going up to my room, I don't even remember the next day. I do remember the following day, however. I texted my boyfriend, and told him I was pregnant, that I had taken two tests, and they were both positive. He said "Well you could just get rid of it." Now, the reason I tell you all of this, is because all my life, I have only ever wanted to be a mother. Even if I didn't necessarily want to be pregnant at that moment, or with that guy, it was still my baby. Two weeks later, he came up for a weekend, and we went to a baseball game, the Indians vs. Tigers. He placed his hand on my stomach, he held me and called me "Momma" and I was sure that he had changed his mind and wanted this baby as much as I did. Unfortunately, the following week (I had not been to a doctors appointment yet, so I am guessing I was around 5-7 weeks along) I started having terrible cramps, horrible nausea, and when I went to the bathroom, discovered I had bled a lot. I went to the ER where they did an ultrasound, and confirmed exactly what I had feared, I had lost my baby. However, since it was never medically confirmed that I was pregnant, they simply said "You aren't pregnant." and didn't call it a miscarriage. I was crushed, and the only thing I could think of was my boyfriend saying "Well you could just get rid of it." That ended that relationship, and I've never looked back.

I was invited, once again, to Leigh's birthday party. This time it was at a bar, and even though she was single, and I was single, I was still not sure of getting back into a relationship so soon, and with her. So I took a friend with me to the bar, and had an excellent time. Leigh and I danced together, talked, and just enjoyed each other's company. I felt bad for the rest of the people that turned out to celebrate her birthday, because I hogged her to myself the entire night. When I was leaving, I walked up to her, said "Happy Birthday, honey" and kissed her. Fireworks went off, the skies cleared, and once again, that feeling of "I must be dreaming to be this lucky" went through my body.

Leigh and I at her birthday party.

Right about this time I started having blinding, debilitating migraines. And not the normal kind that put you in bed for the day, but very short 5-10 second bursts of extreme pain (literally the worst pain I have ever felt) dizziness, and nausea, that would leave me with an intense headache/migraine for the rest of the day. Once, I was walking down the stairs when one hit, and I fell the rest of the way because the pain was so intense, it blinded me, and I lost my footing. After having at least 3-4 of these per week, I decided it was time to see a doctor. I went in, she asked a lot of questions, but without testing she couldn't figure out what it was. She wanted a full range of tests, because she was worried about the chance of a brain aneurysm. Now, being 21 years old, those are scary fucking words. I went home, looked up all the information I could, and became even more scared. If it was a brain aneurysm, I could literally just drop dead one day, it could explode, causing my brain to stroke out essentially, and kill me instantly. I had just lost my baby, my boyfriend, and now had something severely wrong with me that could possibly be life-threatening. And in this moment, when I needed someone to be strong for me, Leigh stepped up. We talked constantly via text, instant messenger, or emails, and I never went more than an hour without hearing from her.

When it came time for my tests, Leigh volunteered to come with me. She had just had knee surgery, so she shouldn't have been up and about, but as she told me, "No one deserves to go through this alone. You should have someone with you, and that someone is going to be me." And so it was settled. The next morning she came with me and my mother, to go to the hospital for my tests. While waiting, my father came to be with me as well. We walked back and forth many times through the hospital, all on her bad knee, just to hold my hand and make sure that I knew everything would be okay. She hugged me after a painful test, and helped me to laugh before a scary one. She stood right by my side that whole day, even though she was nothing more than an occasional friend. My mind gave up the fight, and I fell in love with her. Completely, head over heels, both feet jumping in at the same time, in love. After my tests we went back to my house and watched "Mulan" while cuddling. She held me and assured me that they'd let me know soon, and that it would all be okay. To get my mind off of it, she suggested we go out that night. It was a Wednesday, so the only place we could think of was Goth-Night at Sky Bar in BG. We started to get ready to go, and then her friend Scooter came and picked us up to go with us.

Before going to Sky Bar for Goth Night.

That night we danced, drank, and had a great time. It was as if we had never stopped dating 4 years ago, it was as if we had been together, known each other all of our lives. I felt more connected to her standing there on the dance floor looking in her eyes than I've ever felt with another person in my entire life. Eventually, the night started to slow down, and we were going to leave. I knew she wanted to ask me out, but she was such a shy and unsure person, she never would have gotten the courage. When she went to the bathroom before leaving, I texted her "So are you going to ask me out, or what?" and sure enough, when she came out of the bathroom, she swooped me into her arms and said "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" and as an answer, I threw my arms around her and kissed her. I think she understood that it meant "yes." We went and got something to eat at a little diner right next door, and then left. They dropped me off at my place, and I slept better than I had in years.

At the diner after the bar, 04-08-09

From that moment on, we were inseparable. I mostly spent all of my time either at her apartment, or at work. And even while I was at work, I was texting her, and calling her on my breaks. Only a few days into our relationship, her friend was house-sitting for a friend, and invited us over for some drinking and hanging out. We drove up there, listening to music, eating McDonalds, and then once there, played drinking games, sang, danced, went to a hole-in-the-wall bar, and eventually went back to the house to crash. Leigh and I took the basement, and curled up on two couches pushed together, while watching the movie "Bound." Needless to say, I still only saw a few minutes of the movie before we were too enraptured with each other to pay attention. She held me the entire night, and I had never felt safer, or happier in my life. 

The night we house-sat with her friend. My favorite picture of us.

The following week, we went back to my doctor to receive the results of all of my tests. I was told that it was not a brain aneurysm, it was something called "chronic migraines." Meaning that these migraines, these debilitating headaches, this extreme pain, this was something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. They are brought on by stress, which is why they surfaced during the time where I had been thrown out of my apartment and moved in with my parents, got a new job, got pregnant, lost the baby, and broke up with my boyfriend. Now, I am better at controlling my stress level and relaxation, but they are still something I suffer from on a weekly basis. The pain is so intense that nothing, not even narcotics like Vicodin, help. And in hearing this news, Leigh was right there, holding my hand, telling me that we'd figure out how to manage them. Once again, my heart knew she was the one for me.

After a week of dating, we were saying "I love you" which is very, very fast for others, but after having known her for 4 years at this point, and having loved her from the first moment I saw her dimples, it seemed a long time coming. By two weeks of dating I had pretty much moved in with her, I had all of my necessary items at her apartment, and later that month brought what was left. Three months into dating, she arranged a special dinner at Spaghetti Warehouse. She had beautiful flowers, and a hand-decorated cake. My parents and sister, her parents, they were all there. I went to open the cake box for dessert, and it was amazing. Multiple layered, covered in white icing and hand-piped decorations. As I looked closer I noticed the decorations were words, things that meant stuff to us, like "My Humps" which had become our song after that special Ferndale trip. On the top was written "Surprise!" and I looked over at my beautiful girlfriend to say "Surprise, what?" and watched her drop to one knee, and present me with a silver heart-shaped metal ring box engraved with a "J" with a gorgeous ring inside. I barely choked out an "Of course!" before I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, and the rest, as they say, is history.

The proposal. (darn cake box getting in the way)

I hope you enjoyed my little stroll down memory lane. I know it was long, but when you have to capture your memories of someone you love this much, you want to include every detail. One day when I'm old and senile, maybe I can look back and this and remember how it came to be that we fell in love. <3

We did it!

It's been a while...

So it has been quite a while, and I finally remembered that we have a blog, and wanted to update it, just in case anyone actually is reading it, or for personal reference later.

First, Leigh and I got married on August 11th, 2012 in a ceremony in Downtown Toledo at Pride. It was a group ceremony with others, and while it meant the world to us, and to our family, it's still not legal. If Ohio becomes a state that is same-sex marriage friendly, and grants post-dated marriage certificates, it will be legal, but for right now, it's simply a piece of paper.

Our wedding day, 8/11/12

Second, when we found out we were going to be getting married, and with quite a few months of unsuccessful tries, we decided to pause our attempts for a baby. Originally because I didn't want to have severe morning sickness on my wedding day, and secondly because once we stopped trying, it was such a huge weight off of my shoulders, that it became more of a relief that we weren't trying. It sounds horrible now that I think about it, but when we were in the moment, it was one less thing to cause stress and tears before our wedding. We haven't tried again since, which is really more stressful and painful than trying and not conceiving, because when we try, there's a possibility. Now that we aren't, I know it's going to be that much longer before baby will be here.

Third, in March I broke my back. Literally. I have a compression fracture in my T9 vertebra and have basically been on "bed-rest" since then. I can't lift anything, I can't bend easily, and it constantly hurts. I'm waiting for ssdi (social security disability insurance) to get back to me for health insurance, but until then, I just have to wait and be careful. This has not only made me incredibly bored (can't really do much or go places) it has made my chores around the house practically impossible. Leigh has stepped up wonderfully, though, even with her new job.

Fourth-that new job I mentioned, she now works for Vehtek which is a car manufacturing plant, they make the parts for the big 3 car companies to assemble their cars with. She works 8 or 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week, with occasionally a day off here and there. It's been hard, but the money is incredible.

And finally, the title of "first grandchild" was taken when my sister had an 8lb 14oz baby boy named Aiden on 12/7/12. When she first told me she was pregnant, I was crushed. We had been unsuccessful at getting pregnant, there were a few times that we were so hopeful, yet still no baby. I was wondering if something was wrong with me, or my lady-parts, or if I just wasn't meant to be a mother. I was getting stressed, and emotional, and heartbroken, and then my baby sister (who was only 19 at the time) tells me that her and her boyfriend of a year were pregnant with the first grandchild. I spent the next few days in a haze of extreme rage, utter devastation, and emptiness. My mother didn't help at all, as she was in her own haze of becoming a grandma-to-be, and she didn't understand the bitterness I felt. My father was helpful, understanding, and sympathetic, and I was and still am very grateful for that. My wife was my strongest support. She held my hand through every minute, let me use her shoulder for every tear, and even agreed with me when I said terrible, horrible things (even though she didn't actually agree with me.) She was amazing, and pulled me through it.

Eventually my rage and heartbreak turned into an "okay lets do this" resolve and I tried to help my sister as much as I could with all the research, information, and knowledge I had gained in my own preparation for becoming pregnant. And now that he's here, I could not love him more. He's adorable, and fat, and my handsome little nephew. I am "Lutsi" to him, which is short for Alutsi, which is the Native American word for "my mother's sister" aka, my aunt. To me, he is my Buddha or my Chunk, because he's slightly obese, and actually the cause of number three (when I broke my back.)

Lutsi and Buddha

I've also gained a lot of weight, mostly due to being a stay at home wife, and partly because I broke my back. Now I'm sitting on the couch almost every minute I'm awake, since I can't do my chores, or take the dog for a walk, and I'm riding in a cart through the store. All of the activities that kept my weight at "heavy" I can't do anymore, and have since, become a bit obese. I'm not happy with the weight gain, and I'm more than positive my wife isn't happy with my lower-libido. Again, waiting for ssdi to kick in with the health insurance.

I've grown, learned, loved, and become a better person over this last year, and have gained an even deeper sense of the mother I want to be. Part of me is glad that I didn't have a baby a year ago when we first started trying, because I have learned SO much since then. I've decided on cloth diapers instead of disposables, extended breastfeeding instead of formula/solids, non-circumcision instead of having (if we have a boy) him circumcised, among many other things. I know I am going to be a better mother now, than I would have made a year ago, and that reassures me. However, I also know that you can never know everything, so waiting until you believe you do to get pregnant is not going to work.

So basically, in the last year, shit went down haha. But you live, you learn, and now it's time to start trying again so that we can get Luvs. LMAO

Yes, we are still here.

I am sorry I haven't updated anyone in a while, but as I said in the previous post, updates from then on will be pretty bare until we are actually pregnant. So here is the most recent scoop-we are not pregnant yet. We have attempted twice, and while once I was 2 days late for Aunt Flo-and got hopeful- she came and rained on our parade. So we are continuing to look on the bright side and know that if we haven't gotten pregnant yet-that it wasn't meant to be those times. So, continue to keep your fingers crossed for us, and when the time comes, I promise to update!

So nervous...I could PEE!

I thought the title was perfect, considering this post is talking about how on Wednesday the 4th, we attempted our first try at having a baby. It went pretty smoothly, a little awkward, but that's to be expected when using a friend as a known donor. We are so grateful to him, that we really cannot express how much this means to us. He and his wife are being so wonderful about this process, about helping us out, and about us having a baby. Leigh and I are both praying and hoping pretty much all day, every day that this takes the first time because we really cannot wait to have this baby.

I can almost not make it through the day, wondering if I might be pregnant. I ordered my pregnancy tests online, because they offered a huge discount for buying a bunch of them, and because then I would be forced to wait until at least they got here before I could start obsessively peeing on the sticks lol. The only thing keeping me from testing now is that I know the result would probably be negative, since it is too early after my ovulation date. I don't want to be discouraged by a negative result, so I am anxiously counting down the days. At the end of each day, all I can think is "one more day down" until I can test.

For personal, and for hopeful reasons, we won't be telling pretty much anyone right away if we do become pregnant. And after this post, until we are ready to announce our pregnancy, we won't be talking about any future attempts, or trials at getting pregnant. Our reasoning is that while we will be bursting with joy about being pregnant, we also have a logical side that lets us know that some pregnancies do not last. We would rather keep it to ourselves, and wait until we are almost positive I will not miscarry, before telling anyone. Because if our parents find out that they will be grandparents, and then we miscarry or lose the pregnancy, I believe it would be devastating. So for that reason, and a few others, from now on it will be *hush hush* until we are ready to announce that we are expecting. I hope you all can understand why we came to this decision.

So for now, until the day comes, please send tons of good thoughts, prayers, hope, and lots and lots of BABY DUST our way! And thank you all for being with us on this incredible journey!

Hello 2012!

The beginning of a new year. Full of possibilities, full of opportunities, and hopefully, a fresh start. I love New Years Day because of all the chances it brings. Many people will say that you can "start over" or make resolutions on any day of the year, but this day is special. It's after the holidays, when people are stressed, people have little money, and people are worried about a lot of stuff. New Years represents a new start. A time to put the previous year's worry, stress, and bad-feelings behind you, and try to make the best of the year coming up. Which is EXACTLY what I plan to do.

For this year, I am going to try to look on the bright side of everything. Try to remain positive. Try to keep a good outlook. I really want this year to be better than the last few have been. Things have been tough lately, and times have been really hard. Money has been tight and we have had to cut back on a lot of things. And when things like that happen, it's easy to feel depressed and down on everything, but when you feel like that, it just makes the problem worse. Being depressed or angry doesn't help anything at all. But I really feel like things are going to turn around for us. I REALLY have a good feeling about this year, about the opportunities that are presenting themselves.

The main thing about this year is the possibility of a baby. Our first "try" at it is approaching very rapidly and while I am mainly so excited that I could pee, but part of me is so nervous and anxious! I am terrible with surprises and waiting for things, so this is going to be so nerve-wracking! I don't want to have to try, wait, test, wait, try, wait, test, wait....so I am hoping, praying, begging, and pleading that this happens the first time so that I don't have to constantly be anxious and worried.

The next biggest thing about this year would be my home business, I am SO hoping that it takes off and I get TONS of orders. I really want this to work, I want to be able to keep making things for people because I really enjoy it. I love trying new patterns, new yarns, new colors, and personalizing things for people. I like watching new items take shape and when they're finished, being able to look at them and say "I made that." And I really want to be able to continue to do that.

So, lets hope and pray, and send good thoughts my way!!

Christmas Eve

I cannot believe that it is Christmas already. It seems like last week I was kissing my wifey at midnight on New Years Eve, and yet, it's been a whole year. It hasn't been a very good year, but there were some great things about it, which is what this entry is going to be about. Focusing on the good things and hopefully welcoming more good things with the coming year.

The greatest thing that has happened for me this year, was the start up of my home business. It isn't a huge thing yet with tons of orders, but I am so pleased to have one at all. When I first got interested in crochet, it was mainly just to have something to do. At the time I worked only 3 days a week, but the wifey worked a lot more, and we rarely had a day off together. It was a way to fill time while she was at work and I was home alone and bored. So with the help of a few youtube videos, I learned basic stitches and felt very accomplished. Then my friend told me I was the Godmother of her beautiful daughter, Megyn, and I wanted to make her a million things, so I sat down and started creating patterns, finding patterns, and buying patterns of things to make for her. Once I got the hang of it, I started making things for other friends, for my mother, for Leigh's mother, and it slowly grew into a tiny home business, mainly just for family/friends. It then turned into a local business, friends of friends, and eventually I set up my own website and have been sending things across the country, and even to other countries! The main reason why I believe this was the best thing to happen to me this year is because it gave me something I could be great at. Not just something to do in my spare time, not just something to have a gift for baby showers, but something I enjoyed doing that would not only help us out financially, but that boosted my self esteem, something that I could be proud of.


The first thing I ever made, a blanket for Megyn.

Another wonderful thing that happened this year, was the addition of our puppy, Vader. He may not be the smartest, bravest, or best behaved dog, but he's ours and we love him. Coming home to him to see that tail wagging and his eyes light up is a wonderful feeling. His favorite time of day is when I let him out of his "big boy room" (cage) in the morning and when he cuddles with Leigh at night. So yes, he bites his own tail and wonders why it hurts, and yes, he's scared of our 7 pound kitten, and yes, he chews things up and gets into things, but he's adorable, lovable, and just wants to love us back. What more can you ask from a dog?

Vader, the day we got him.

Perhaps the best thing this year, that won't actually happen until next year, is our planning for a baby. My entire life, I have only ever wanted one thing: to be a mommy. I couldn't wait for the day I would find out I was pregnant. Couldn't wait for the day I heard his or her little heartbeat. Couldn't wait for the day I brought him or her into the world. And couldn't wait for every single day afterwards. I have been waiting for those moments for my entire life, and now, FINALLY, at 24, it's going to happen. I feel like I have been waiting forever, but I guess it doesn't matter just how long you wait, the end result is the same. A beautiful, healthy, happy, new life. We decided to start trying soon because my internal clock has been ticking for about 5 years now, and is starting to sound like Big Ben. When we first got together, it wasn't the right time because we both had crappy jobs, lived in a crappy apartment, and had just started the relationship. I realize people have had babies in worse situations, but when you can literally plan to have a baby, you want to make the circumstances a little better before trying. It's a double edged sword. On one side, it's great that we can wait and plan when is the best time to have a baby, no accidental pregnancies. But on the other, I would love nothing more in the world than to wake up one morning, turn to Leigh and say "I'm pregnant" and know that it was a product of our love, something we made together, something that was a part of each of us, something that was special. I hate that we can't do that, but now that we have moved from the crappy apartment and are more stable in everything, it's nice that we can plan it, instead of an accidental "oops" when we were in worse shape. So, needless to say, though I just said a bunch, I am excited to start trying in the coming year and I hope and wish and pray and dream every day that it is an easy process, that it doesn't take too long, and that by this time next year we will be celebrating baby's first Christmas.

Well, it's time to get ready for my day. It's Christmas tradition that on Christmas Eve night, we go over to my Aunt and Uncle's for a big family dinner and white elephant gift exchange. I love this tradition so much because I don't get to see my extended family as often as I would like to, and when they're all together, it's so much fun! Then we're coming home and going to bed so that we're asleep when Santa comes! Tomorrow will be Leigh and I exchanging gifts, then going to my parents' house for the family Christmas, then over to Leigh's parents' place for Christmas with them, and then over to Leigh's Aunt and Uncle's for their extended family Christmas dinner. It will be a busy, busy day, but hopefully full of fun, laughs, family, and happiness!

So have a wonderful time with your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for what you have, knowing that many others would give their right arm for a family, friends, holiday feast, and a good time like you will be having. Happy Christmas!

Our beautiful blue and silver Christmas tree with
"A Christmas Story" playing in the background.

Midwives, birthing tubs, and home-births...OH MY!

So, as stated in the previous post, Leigh and I will be trying to make a baby soon. When the time comes for the birth, we have decided (and by we I mean I have decided, and told Leigh "this is how we are doing this" lol) to go with an all-natural home birth with a midwife. I can hear all of your thoughts right now. "A home birth?! What if something goes wrong? What about a doctor? You don't want the drugs? Isn't that dangerous? Why in the world would you turn up your nose at the evolution of medical advancement, to step back in time 200 years?"

To answer these, and tell you everything you would like to know, first I will direct those of you with Netflix instant stream to watch a documentary called "The Business of Being Born" with Ricki Lake, that a friend of mine (who had a natural home birth) turned me on to. It is packed full of important facts, knowledge, and incredible statistics-some of which I will be trying to put in this post. For those that don't have Netflix (it is a made for Netflix documentary) please, continue to read.

First of all, the midwife vs doctor debate. Most of you probably think of a midwife as someone with a rolled up towel or piece of leather for the expectant mom to bite down on, and a long sharpened fingernail to break the water. Don't be ashamed, that is what many many people think of when they hear the term. In all actuality, midwives are highly trained professionals, with vast knowledge, college and special trade school degrees, and have seen and helped with thousands of natural births. Most started as nurses or doctors in the OBGYN field, and then switched to midwifery (mid-wiff-er-ee). These are not uneducated, unlearned women. They have many medical tools and different types of equipment, the same as the doctors office. Doctors on the other hand, while having the same qualifications to deliver a baby, have more often than not, never seen a fully natural (no stimulant or "intervention") birth. OBGYN doctors are mainly surgeons. That is what they do, what they are there for, and though they may not like to admit it, that is what they aim for. Think of it this way, if you had a job where all you had to do was lick envelopes, all day, 10-hours long, would you be excited and interested in your job? Or would you rather have the job that flies around the world, that has fun, excitement, is rewarding and interesting? OBGYN doctors view natural-vaginal births as envelope licking, and an emergency rush-rush-rush to save the baby's life c-section as fun and excitement. They are also very busy people. If their shift ends at 6 and you aren't fully dilated and pushing by 4pm-get ready for the "it's time" speech and the drugs to quicken it up to follow. They want to get home to their loved ones just as much as anyone else. You may not get the same doctor that you have been with for 9 months when it comes time for delivery. This doctor may not follow your "birth plan", may not want to wait around for a 26 hour labor, and may be afraid of being sued if anything goes wrong-so he might push a c-section. They also have long vacations, busy days that they can't see you, and heaven forbid you come to deliver on a day when they are training their interns. I hope you are ready to have 14 bright new doctors coming to feel you up and staring at your vagina, every hour of your labor.

Which leads me to my want for a natural birth. Before we get into this part, let me assure you, I KNOW it is going to hurt, A LOT. I fully understand that giving birth will be a long, painful, tiring, painful, exhausting, and painful experience. One that I want to have. My want of a natural birth comes from two places. One, that I am cautious of any drug put into my system, and will be even more cautious about something put into my system while I am pregnant. There have been thousands of medical mistakes in previous years surrounding pregnancy and delivery. They used to preform x-rays on every pregnant woman to determine the length/width of the baby, and the size of the mother's pelvis, until almost 15 years later when they discovered it gave the infants cancer. In the 40's a drug was given to women that caused their children to be born without arms or legs. They didn't discover that the disformities were a result of the drug for nearly 7 years. One, most recently, in 1990 a drug was introduced to give to pregnant women who had previously had a c-section, to be able to deliver vaginally the second (or more) time around. This drug caused the uterus to rupture, women to bleed out and die within 5 minutes, and killed the infant. They didn't discover that it was because of this drug until 1999. 9 years of women and children dying because they didn't do the proper research, or put in enough time before giving it to pregnant women. By now you are thinking "But the drugs now are safe, they've been tested and are fine!" And my response is that when those drugs were introduced, those women also said "Well these drugs are fine!" and the result was not so fine. Would YOU take the risk with your baby? Then comes the "Why can't you just have a natural birth in the hospital, where there will be a doctor in case something goes wrong?" question. Because hospitals are not made for natural births. If you go to ANY hospital, in the entire country, you will find that AT LEAST 1/3 (and in some cases up to 1/2) of their births are c-section. These are normal women, with normal pregnancies, that went in to have a normal birth, some wanted no drugs, some wanted slight drugs, others wanted full drugs, and 1/3-1/2 of them ended up in surgery. When giving birth at home, without drugs, 1 out of every 200 women (average) needs to have a c-section, and is taken to the hospital. 1/2 of what must be over 500,000 women in hospitals, compared to 1/200. And here is the difference: the drugs.

Pitocin (pit-oh-sin) is a drug given through IV to pregnant women in the hospital. It is so common, that nearly EVERY woman that has a baby in the hospital has been given this drug. What this drug does is speed up your contractions to bring them closer together, make them last longer, and make them twice as powerful while they are happening. This speeds up labor, and encourages the baby to travel into the birth canal. This drug is so powerful, that after being given it, about 99% of women will get the epidural. The epidural essentially "paralyzes" you from the waist down, so that you cannot feel how painful the contractions are. The epidural actually numbs the effects of the pitocin, so those women who receive the epidural, get another dose of pitocin. Now, since you have had the epidural, you can't feel the immense contractions your body is going through...BUT your baby can. The epidural in no way effects the baby, so he or she is now suffering not one dose, but two doses of pitocin. This puts the baby in distress (somewhere around 87% of babies) which raises their heartrate, limits their ability to move (like into the birth canal), which in turn makes the doctor say "the baby is in distress-we need to get him/her out right now!" and off you are rushed to a c-section. The doctor will tell you "it's whats best for the baby" and you, a distressed, tired, worried, and freaked out mommy-to-be, will say "whatever you need to do-just save my baby!" ALL of this would have been avoided, had the pitocin not been given.

Another reason to dislike the drugs they pump into you, is that when a woman is in labor, her mind starts to pump a chemical called "oxytocin" (ox-ee-toe-sin) that is basically "love". It is the chemical that tells your uterus to contract and begin labor, BUT it is also the chemical that causes the mother to protect her baby, provide for her baby, and love her baby. It is a "bonding" chemical that gives you the drive to care for and nurture your child. When pitocin is introduced, or a c-section takes place, your mind stops sending out oxytocin. Simply put, in chimpanzees, when a pregnant chimp is given a c-section before, or even during labor, when given her baby, she does not feel the need to protect it, love it, care for it, or feed it, and abandons it. She wants nothing to do with the child, because she feels no attachment to it. I am NOT saying this is what happens with humans when they have a c-section, BUT it does make you wonder how humans react without that bonding chemical. (Mothers putting babies in ovens, blenders, microwaves, beating them, raping them, ect. ect.) I would much rather have the real thing, than the pitocin knock-off thank you.

And reason two, because I trust my body. I trust my body to know how to make a baby, how to feed and help grow the baby, and most importantly, when and how to birth the baby. Women have been getting pregnant, and giving birth without the aid of hospitals or doctors for thousands and thousands of years. This is what our body is literally MADE to do! And I believe that my body can do it. If I can withstand the pain, my body can birth a baby just fine without any "interventions" from doctors.

All of what was said above is NOT how I pictured bringing a new life into the world. I want it to be calm, I want to see familiar faces, and I want it to be personal and on MY terms. I want one person that I can count on through the whole time, and who will be there when my baby comes. I want that person to hang back in the shadows in case something goes wrong and allow ME to deliver my baby, like my body was made to do. I don't want the drugs that could potentially have side effects, damaging results, or possibly send me to surgery. I don't want to have the baby, see him or her for 5 minutes, before they are taken to the nursery and only brought in for feeding. That is my baby and I want to hold him/her, kiss him/her, talk to him/her, and count his or her little toes for days before I will want to put him/her down. I want Leigh to be a part of this birth as much as possible. I want my family around, her family around, not 12 nurses and a bunch of interns that have never seen a baby being born before- I am NOT an experiment to be watched! And a home-birth can offer me this.

After all this, I can hear you saying "But what if something DOES go wrong?" and to answer you, if my midwife tells me: "Jaime, something is wrong, we need to go to the hospital" I will trust her and go. Because I will know that she has mine and my baby's best interests at heart. She isn't worried about dinner time, vacation time, lawsuits, or another 6 patients down the hall. She is focused on me and my baby, and knows what I want, and will do her best to get it for me. And if she can't, and things turn downhill, the hospital is never too far away. BUT let me tell you this interesting fact. Out of all the advanced countries in the world, the U.K., Australia, China, Japan, France, Canada, Germany, any of the countries that have over a 50% home birth rate- their mother&infant mortality rate is LESS THAN 1/3 of what ours in America is. We have the highest infant mortality rate in any civilized country! The difference? 99% of births in the US are in hospitals and only 1% are at home. They have the same drugs, the same hospitals, the same equipment, the same schooling for doctors, the same EVERYTHING except that they are smart enough to know that if you want a SAFE and positive birthing experience, you need to get out of the hospital.

To top it off, a normal vaginal birth at the average hospital will cost somewhere around $13,000. A surgical (c-section) birth? Upwards of $50,000. A home-birth, or birth at a birthing center with a midwife? Anywhere from $3-5,000, including prenatal and postnatal care. Why spend the extra money for the equipment, doctors, drugs, nurses, crappy hospital food, ect. that you DON'T NEED?!

So yes, I may sound like a hippie, yes I may sound weird for wanting the pain of childbirth, and yes, I may sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I have done my research, asked questions, looked into options, and figured out what is best for me. I DID the research. How many people that are pregnant/have had babies can say they did that? Almost none. People now put more research into buying a car or a new cell phone than they do how to bring a child into the world. And while that makes me sad, this is one woman that is having a natural at-home birth. And though you still may not agree with that choice, you cannot fault the logic behind the choice. :)

Cheers!