It's been a while...

So it has been quite a while, and I finally remembered that we have a blog, and wanted to update it, just in case anyone actually is reading it, or for personal reference later.

First, Leigh and I got married on August 11th, 2012 in a ceremony in Downtown Toledo at Pride. It was a group ceremony with others, and while it meant the world to us, and to our family, it's still not legal. If Ohio becomes a state that is same-sex marriage friendly, and grants post-dated marriage certificates, it will be legal, but for right now, it's simply a piece of paper.

Our wedding day, 8/11/12

Second, when we found out we were going to be getting married, and with quite a few months of unsuccessful tries, we decided to pause our attempts for a baby. Originally because I didn't want to have severe morning sickness on my wedding day, and secondly because once we stopped trying, it was such a huge weight off of my shoulders, that it became more of a relief that we weren't trying. It sounds horrible now that I think about it, but when we were in the moment, it was one less thing to cause stress and tears before our wedding. We haven't tried again since, which is really more stressful and painful than trying and not conceiving, because when we try, there's a possibility. Now that we aren't, I know it's going to be that much longer before baby will be here.

Third, in March I broke my back. Literally. I have a compression fracture in my T9 vertebra and have basically been on "bed-rest" since then. I can't lift anything, I can't bend easily, and it constantly hurts. I'm waiting for ssdi (social security disability insurance) to get back to me for health insurance, but until then, I just have to wait and be careful. This has not only made me incredibly bored (can't really do much or go places) it has made my chores around the house practically impossible. Leigh has stepped up wonderfully, though, even with her new job.

Fourth-that new job I mentioned, she now works for Vehtek which is a car manufacturing plant, they make the parts for the big 3 car companies to assemble their cars with. She works 8 or 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week, with occasionally a day off here and there. It's been hard, but the money is incredible.

And finally, the title of "first grandchild" was taken when my sister had an 8lb 14oz baby boy named Aiden on 12/7/12. When she first told me she was pregnant, I was crushed. We had been unsuccessful at getting pregnant, there were a few times that we were so hopeful, yet still no baby. I was wondering if something was wrong with me, or my lady-parts, or if I just wasn't meant to be a mother. I was getting stressed, and emotional, and heartbroken, and then my baby sister (who was only 19 at the time) tells me that her and her boyfriend of a year were pregnant with the first grandchild. I spent the next few days in a haze of extreme rage, utter devastation, and emptiness. My mother didn't help at all, as she was in her own haze of becoming a grandma-to-be, and she didn't understand the bitterness I felt. My father was helpful, understanding, and sympathetic, and I was and still am very grateful for that. My wife was my strongest support. She held my hand through every minute, let me use her shoulder for every tear, and even agreed with me when I said terrible, horrible things (even though she didn't actually agree with me.) She was amazing, and pulled me through it.

Eventually my rage and heartbreak turned into an "okay lets do this" resolve and I tried to help my sister as much as I could with all the research, information, and knowledge I had gained in my own preparation for becoming pregnant. And now that he's here, I could not love him more. He's adorable, and fat, and my handsome little nephew. I am "Lutsi" to him, which is short for Alutsi, which is the Native American word for "my mother's sister" aka, my aunt. To me, he is my Buddha or my Chunk, because he's slightly obese, and actually the cause of number three (when I broke my back.)

Lutsi and Buddha

I've also gained a lot of weight, mostly due to being a stay at home wife, and partly because I broke my back. Now I'm sitting on the couch almost every minute I'm awake, since I can't do my chores, or take the dog for a walk, and I'm riding in a cart through the store. All of the activities that kept my weight at "heavy" I can't do anymore, and have since, become a bit obese. I'm not happy with the weight gain, and I'm more than positive my wife isn't happy with my lower-libido. Again, waiting for ssdi to kick in with the health insurance.

I've grown, learned, loved, and become a better person over this last year, and have gained an even deeper sense of the mother I want to be. Part of me is glad that I didn't have a baby a year ago when we first started trying, because I have learned SO much since then. I've decided on cloth diapers instead of disposables, extended breastfeeding instead of formula/solids, non-circumcision instead of having (if we have a boy) him circumcised, among many other things. I know I am going to be a better mother now, than I would have made a year ago, and that reassures me. However, I also know that you can never know everything, so waiting until you believe you do to get pregnant is not going to work.

So basically, in the last year, shit went down haha. But you live, you learn, and now it's time to start trying again so that we can get Luvs. LMAO