It's been a while...

So it has been quite a while, and I finally remembered that we have a blog, and wanted to update it, just in case anyone actually is reading it, or for personal reference later.

First, Leigh and I got married on August 11th, 2012 in a ceremony in Downtown Toledo at Pride. It was a group ceremony with others, and while it meant the world to us, and to our family, it's still not legal. If Ohio becomes a state that is same-sex marriage friendly, and grants post-dated marriage certificates, it will be legal, but for right now, it's simply a piece of paper.

Our wedding day, 8/11/12

Second, when we found out we were going to be getting married, and with quite a few months of unsuccessful tries, we decided to pause our attempts for a baby. Originally because I didn't want to have severe morning sickness on my wedding day, and secondly because once we stopped trying, it was such a huge weight off of my shoulders, that it became more of a relief that we weren't trying. It sounds horrible now that I think about it, but when we were in the moment, it was one less thing to cause stress and tears before our wedding. We haven't tried again since, which is really more stressful and painful than trying and not conceiving, because when we try, there's a possibility. Now that we aren't, I know it's going to be that much longer before baby will be here.

Third, in March I broke my back. Literally. I have a compression fracture in my T9 vertebra and have basically been on "bed-rest" since then. I can't lift anything, I can't bend easily, and it constantly hurts. I'm waiting for ssdi (social security disability insurance) to get back to me for health insurance, but until then, I just have to wait and be careful. This has not only made me incredibly bored (can't really do much or go places) it has made my chores around the house practically impossible. Leigh has stepped up wonderfully, though, even with her new job.

Fourth-that new job I mentioned, she now works for Vehtek which is a car manufacturing plant, they make the parts for the big 3 car companies to assemble their cars with. She works 8 or 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week, with occasionally a day off here and there. It's been hard, but the money is incredible.

And finally, the title of "first grandchild" was taken when my sister had an 8lb 14oz baby boy named Aiden on 12/7/12. When she first told me she was pregnant, I was crushed. We had been unsuccessful at getting pregnant, there were a few times that we were so hopeful, yet still no baby. I was wondering if something was wrong with me, or my lady-parts, or if I just wasn't meant to be a mother. I was getting stressed, and emotional, and heartbroken, and then my baby sister (who was only 19 at the time) tells me that her and her boyfriend of a year were pregnant with the first grandchild. I spent the next few days in a haze of extreme rage, utter devastation, and emptiness. My mother didn't help at all, as she was in her own haze of becoming a grandma-to-be, and she didn't understand the bitterness I felt. My father was helpful, understanding, and sympathetic, and I was and still am very grateful for that. My wife was my strongest support. She held my hand through every minute, let me use her shoulder for every tear, and even agreed with me when I said terrible, horrible things (even though she didn't actually agree with me.) She was amazing, and pulled me through it.

Eventually my rage and heartbreak turned into an "okay lets do this" resolve and I tried to help my sister as much as I could with all the research, information, and knowledge I had gained in my own preparation for becoming pregnant. And now that he's here, I could not love him more. He's adorable, and fat, and my handsome little nephew. I am "Lutsi" to him, which is short for Alutsi, which is the Native American word for "my mother's sister" aka, my aunt. To me, he is my Buddha or my Chunk, because he's slightly obese, and actually the cause of number three (when I broke my back.)

Lutsi and Buddha

I've also gained a lot of weight, mostly due to being a stay at home wife, and partly because I broke my back. Now I'm sitting on the couch almost every minute I'm awake, since I can't do my chores, or take the dog for a walk, and I'm riding in a cart through the store. All of the activities that kept my weight at "heavy" I can't do anymore, and have since, become a bit obese. I'm not happy with the weight gain, and I'm more than positive my wife isn't happy with my lower-libido. Again, waiting for ssdi to kick in with the health insurance.

I've grown, learned, loved, and become a better person over this last year, and have gained an even deeper sense of the mother I want to be. Part of me is glad that I didn't have a baby a year ago when we first started trying, because I have learned SO much since then. I've decided on cloth diapers instead of disposables, extended breastfeeding instead of formula/solids, non-circumcision instead of having (if we have a boy) him circumcised, among many other things. I know I am going to be a better mother now, than I would have made a year ago, and that reassures me. However, I also know that you can never know everything, so waiting until you believe you do to get pregnant is not going to work.

So basically, in the last year, shit went down haha. But you live, you learn, and now it's time to start trying again so that we can get Luvs. LMAO

Yes, we are still here.

I am sorry I haven't updated anyone in a while, but as I said in the previous post, updates from then on will be pretty bare until we are actually pregnant. So here is the most recent scoop-we are not pregnant yet. We have attempted twice, and while once I was 2 days late for Aunt Flo-and got hopeful- she came and rained on our parade. So we are continuing to look on the bright side and know that if we haven't gotten pregnant yet-that it wasn't meant to be those times. So, continue to keep your fingers crossed for us, and when the time comes, I promise to update!

So nervous...I could PEE!

I thought the title was perfect, considering this post is talking about how on Wednesday the 4th, we attempted our first try at having a baby. It went pretty smoothly, a little awkward, but that's to be expected when using a friend as a known donor. We are so grateful to him, that we really cannot express how much this means to us. He and his wife are being so wonderful about this process, about helping us out, and about us having a baby. Leigh and I are both praying and hoping pretty much all day, every day that this takes the first time because we really cannot wait to have this baby.

I can almost not make it through the day, wondering if I might be pregnant. I ordered my pregnancy tests online, because they offered a huge discount for buying a bunch of them, and because then I would be forced to wait until at least they got here before I could start obsessively peeing on the sticks lol. The only thing keeping me from testing now is that I know the result would probably be negative, since it is too early after my ovulation date. I don't want to be discouraged by a negative result, so I am anxiously counting down the days. At the end of each day, all I can think is "one more day down" until I can test.

For personal, and for hopeful reasons, we won't be telling pretty much anyone right away if we do become pregnant. And after this post, until we are ready to announce our pregnancy, we won't be talking about any future attempts, or trials at getting pregnant. Our reasoning is that while we will be bursting with joy about being pregnant, we also have a logical side that lets us know that some pregnancies do not last. We would rather keep it to ourselves, and wait until we are almost positive I will not miscarry, before telling anyone. Because if our parents find out that they will be grandparents, and then we miscarry or lose the pregnancy, I believe it would be devastating. So for that reason, and a few others, from now on it will be *hush hush* until we are ready to announce that we are expecting. I hope you all can understand why we came to this decision.

So for now, until the day comes, please send tons of good thoughts, prayers, hope, and lots and lots of BABY DUST our way! And thank you all for being with us on this incredible journey!

Hello 2012!

The beginning of a new year. Full of possibilities, full of opportunities, and hopefully, a fresh start. I love New Years Day because of all the chances it brings. Many people will say that you can "start over" or make resolutions on any day of the year, but this day is special. It's after the holidays, when people are stressed, people have little money, and people are worried about a lot of stuff. New Years represents a new start. A time to put the previous year's worry, stress, and bad-feelings behind you, and try to make the best of the year coming up. Which is EXACTLY what I plan to do.

For this year, I am going to try to look on the bright side of everything. Try to remain positive. Try to keep a good outlook. I really want this year to be better than the last few have been. Things have been tough lately, and times have been really hard. Money has been tight and we have had to cut back on a lot of things. And when things like that happen, it's easy to feel depressed and down on everything, but when you feel like that, it just makes the problem worse. Being depressed or angry doesn't help anything at all. But I really feel like things are going to turn around for us. I REALLY have a good feeling about this year, about the opportunities that are presenting themselves.

The main thing about this year is the possibility of a baby. Our first "try" at it is approaching very rapidly and while I am mainly so excited that I could pee, but part of me is so nervous and anxious! I am terrible with surprises and waiting for things, so this is going to be so nerve-wracking! I don't want to have to try, wait, test, wait, try, wait, test, wait....so I am hoping, praying, begging, and pleading that this happens the first time so that I don't have to constantly be anxious and worried.

The next biggest thing about this year would be my home business, I am SO hoping that it takes off and I get TONS of orders. I really want this to work, I want to be able to keep making things for people because I really enjoy it. I love trying new patterns, new yarns, new colors, and personalizing things for people. I like watching new items take shape and when they're finished, being able to look at them and say "I made that." And I really want to be able to continue to do that.

So, lets hope and pray, and send good thoughts my way!!

Christmas Eve

I cannot believe that it is Christmas already. It seems like last week I was kissing my wifey at midnight on New Years Eve, and yet, it's been a whole year. It hasn't been a very good year, but there were some great things about it, which is what this entry is going to be about. Focusing on the good things and hopefully welcoming more good things with the coming year.

The greatest thing that has happened for me this year, was the start up of my home business. It isn't a huge thing yet with tons of orders, but I am so pleased to have one at all. When I first got interested in crochet, it was mainly just to have something to do. At the time I worked only 3 days a week, but the wifey worked a lot more, and we rarely had a day off together. It was a way to fill time while she was at work and I was home alone and bored. So with the help of a few youtube videos, I learned basic stitches and felt very accomplished. Then my friend told me I was the Godmother of her beautiful daughter, Megyn, and I wanted to make her a million things, so I sat down and started creating patterns, finding patterns, and buying patterns of things to make for her. Once I got the hang of it, I started making things for other friends, for my mother, for Leigh's mother, and it slowly grew into a tiny home business, mainly just for family/friends. It then turned into a local business, friends of friends, and eventually I set up my own website and have been sending things across the country, and even to other countries! The main reason why I believe this was the best thing to happen to me this year is because it gave me something I could be great at. Not just something to do in my spare time, not just something to have a gift for baby showers, but something I enjoyed doing that would not only help us out financially, but that boosted my self esteem, something that I could be proud of.


The first thing I ever made, a blanket for Megyn.

Another wonderful thing that happened this year, was the addition of our puppy, Vader. He may not be the smartest, bravest, or best behaved dog, but he's ours and we love him. Coming home to him to see that tail wagging and his eyes light up is a wonderful feeling. His favorite time of day is when I let him out of his "big boy room" (cage) in the morning and when he cuddles with Leigh at night. So yes, he bites his own tail and wonders why it hurts, and yes, he's scared of our 7 pound kitten, and yes, he chews things up and gets into things, but he's adorable, lovable, and just wants to love us back. What more can you ask from a dog?

Vader, the day we got him.

Perhaps the best thing this year, that won't actually happen until next year, is our planning for a baby. My entire life, I have only ever wanted one thing: to be a mommy. I couldn't wait for the day I would find out I was pregnant. Couldn't wait for the day I heard his or her little heartbeat. Couldn't wait for the day I brought him or her into the world. And couldn't wait for every single day afterwards. I have been waiting for those moments for my entire life, and now, FINALLY, at 24, it's going to happen. I feel like I have been waiting forever, but I guess it doesn't matter just how long you wait, the end result is the same. A beautiful, healthy, happy, new life. We decided to start trying soon because my internal clock has been ticking for about 5 years now, and is starting to sound like Big Ben. When we first got together, it wasn't the right time because we both had crappy jobs, lived in a crappy apartment, and had just started the relationship. I realize people have had babies in worse situations, but when you can literally plan to have a baby, you want to make the circumstances a little better before trying. It's a double edged sword. On one side, it's great that we can wait and plan when is the best time to have a baby, no accidental pregnancies. But on the other, I would love nothing more in the world than to wake up one morning, turn to Leigh and say "I'm pregnant" and know that it was a product of our love, something we made together, something that was a part of each of us, something that was special. I hate that we can't do that, but now that we have moved from the crappy apartment and are more stable in everything, it's nice that we can plan it, instead of an accidental "oops" when we were in worse shape. So, needless to say, though I just said a bunch, I am excited to start trying in the coming year and I hope and wish and pray and dream every day that it is an easy process, that it doesn't take too long, and that by this time next year we will be celebrating baby's first Christmas.

Well, it's time to get ready for my day. It's Christmas tradition that on Christmas Eve night, we go over to my Aunt and Uncle's for a big family dinner and white elephant gift exchange. I love this tradition so much because I don't get to see my extended family as often as I would like to, and when they're all together, it's so much fun! Then we're coming home and going to bed so that we're asleep when Santa comes! Tomorrow will be Leigh and I exchanging gifts, then going to my parents' house for the family Christmas, then over to Leigh's parents' place for Christmas with them, and then over to Leigh's Aunt and Uncle's for their extended family Christmas dinner. It will be a busy, busy day, but hopefully full of fun, laughs, family, and happiness!

So have a wonderful time with your family and friends, and remember to be thankful for what you have, knowing that many others would give their right arm for a family, friends, holiday feast, and a good time like you will be having. Happy Christmas!

Our beautiful blue and silver Christmas tree with
"A Christmas Story" playing in the background.

Midwives, birthing tubs, and home-births...OH MY!

So, as stated in the previous post, Leigh and I will be trying to make a baby soon. When the time comes for the birth, we have decided (and by we I mean I have decided, and told Leigh "this is how we are doing this" lol) to go with an all-natural home birth with a midwife. I can hear all of your thoughts right now. "A home birth?! What if something goes wrong? What about a doctor? You don't want the drugs? Isn't that dangerous? Why in the world would you turn up your nose at the evolution of medical advancement, to step back in time 200 years?"

To answer these, and tell you everything you would like to know, first I will direct those of you with Netflix instant stream to watch a documentary called "The Business of Being Born" with Ricki Lake, that a friend of mine (who had a natural home birth) turned me on to. It is packed full of important facts, knowledge, and incredible statistics-some of which I will be trying to put in this post. For those that don't have Netflix (it is a made for Netflix documentary) please, continue to read.

First of all, the midwife vs doctor debate. Most of you probably think of a midwife as someone with a rolled up towel or piece of leather for the expectant mom to bite down on, and a long sharpened fingernail to break the water. Don't be ashamed, that is what many many people think of when they hear the term. In all actuality, midwives are highly trained professionals, with vast knowledge, college and special trade school degrees, and have seen and helped with thousands of natural births. Most started as nurses or doctors in the OBGYN field, and then switched to midwifery (mid-wiff-er-ee). These are not uneducated, unlearned women. They have many medical tools and different types of equipment, the same as the doctors office. Doctors on the other hand, while having the same qualifications to deliver a baby, have more often than not, never seen a fully natural (no stimulant or "intervention") birth. OBGYN doctors are mainly surgeons. That is what they do, what they are there for, and though they may not like to admit it, that is what they aim for. Think of it this way, if you had a job where all you had to do was lick envelopes, all day, 10-hours long, would you be excited and interested in your job? Or would you rather have the job that flies around the world, that has fun, excitement, is rewarding and interesting? OBGYN doctors view natural-vaginal births as envelope licking, and an emergency rush-rush-rush to save the baby's life c-section as fun and excitement. They are also very busy people. If their shift ends at 6 and you aren't fully dilated and pushing by 4pm-get ready for the "it's time" speech and the drugs to quicken it up to follow. They want to get home to their loved ones just as much as anyone else. You may not get the same doctor that you have been with for 9 months when it comes time for delivery. This doctor may not follow your "birth plan", may not want to wait around for a 26 hour labor, and may be afraid of being sued if anything goes wrong-so he might push a c-section. They also have long vacations, busy days that they can't see you, and heaven forbid you come to deliver on a day when they are training their interns. I hope you are ready to have 14 bright new doctors coming to feel you up and staring at your vagina, every hour of your labor.

Which leads me to my want for a natural birth. Before we get into this part, let me assure you, I KNOW it is going to hurt, A LOT. I fully understand that giving birth will be a long, painful, tiring, painful, exhausting, and painful experience. One that I want to have. My want of a natural birth comes from two places. One, that I am cautious of any drug put into my system, and will be even more cautious about something put into my system while I am pregnant. There have been thousands of medical mistakes in previous years surrounding pregnancy and delivery. They used to preform x-rays on every pregnant woman to determine the length/width of the baby, and the size of the mother's pelvis, until almost 15 years later when they discovered it gave the infants cancer. In the 40's a drug was given to women that caused their children to be born without arms or legs. They didn't discover that the disformities were a result of the drug for nearly 7 years. One, most recently, in 1990 a drug was introduced to give to pregnant women who had previously had a c-section, to be able to deliver vaginally the second (or more) time around. This drug caused the uterus to rupture, women to bleed out and die within 5 minutes, and killed the infant. They didn't discover that it was because of this drug until 1999. 9 years of women and children dying because they didn't do the proper research, or put in enough time before giving it to pregnant women. By now you are thinking "But the drugs now are safe, they've been tested and are fine!" And my response is that when those drugs were introduced, those women also said "Well these drugs are fine!" and the result was not so fine. Would YOU take the risk with your baby? Then comes the "Why can't you just have a natural birth in the hospital, where there will be a doctor in case something goes wrong?" question. Because hospitals are not made for natural births. If you go to ANY hospital, in the entire country, you will find that AT LEAST 1/3 (and in some cases up to 1/2) of their births are c-section. These are normal women, with normal pregnancies, that went in to have a normal birth, some wanted no drugs, some wanted slight drugs, others wanted full drugs, and 1/3-1/2 of them ended up in surgery. When giving birth at home, without drugs, 1 out of every 200 women (average) needs to have a c-section, and is taken to the hospital. 1/2 of what must be over 500,000 women in hospitals, compared to 1/200. And here is the difference: the drugs.

Pitocin (pit-oh-sin) is a drug given through IV to pregnant women in the hospital. It is so common, that nearly EVERY woman that has a baby in the hospital has been given this drug. What this drug does is speed up your contractions to bring them closer together, make them last longer, and make them twice as powerful while they are happening. This speeds up labor, and encourages the baby to travel into the birth canal. This drug is so powerful, that after being given it, about 99% of women will get the epidural. The epidural essentially "paralyzes" you from the waist down, so that you cannot feel how painful the contractions are. The epidural actually numbs the effects of the pitocin, so those women who receive the epidural, get another dose of pitocin. Now, since you have had the epidural, you can't feel the immense contractions your body is going through...BUT your baby can. The epidural in no way effects the baby, so he or she is now suffering not one dose, but two doses of pitocin. This puts the baby in distress (somewhere around 87% of babies) which raises their heartrate, limits their ability to move (like into the birth canal), which in turn makes the doctor say "the baby is in distress-we need to get him/her out right now!" and off you are rushed to a c-section. The doctor will tell you "it's whats best for the baby" and you, a distressed, tired, worried, and freaked out mommy-to-be, will say "whatever you need to do-just save my baby!" ALL of this would have been avoided, had the pitocin not been given.

Another reason to dislike the drugs they pump into you, is that when a woman is in labor, her mind starts to pump a chemical called "oxytocin" (ox-ee-toe-sin) that is basically "love". It is the chemical that tells your uterus to contract and begin labor, BUT it is also the chemical that causes the mother to protect her baby, provide for her baby, and love her baby. It is a "bonding" chemical that gives you the drive to care for and nurture your child. When pitocin is introduced, or a c-section takes place, your mind stops sending out oxytocin. Simply put, in chimpanzees, when a pregnant chimp is given a c-section before, or even during labor, when given her baby, she does not feel the need to protect it, love it, care for it, or feed it, and abandons it. She wants nothing to do with the child, because she feels no attachment to it. I am NOT saying this is what happens with humans when they have a c-section, BUT it does make you wonder how humans react without that bonding chemical. (Mothers putting babies in ovens, blenders, microwaves, beating them, raping them, ect. ect.) I would much rather have the real thing, than the pitocin knock-off thank you.

And reason two, because I trust my body. I trust my body to know how to make a baby, how to feed and help grow the baby, and most importantly, when and how to birth the baby. Women have been getting pregnant, and giving birth without the aid of hospitals or doctors for thousands and thousands of years. This is what our body is literally MADE to do! And I believe that my body can do it. If I can withstand the pain, my body can birth a baby just fine without any "interventions" from doctors.

All of what was said above is NOT how I pictured bringing a new life into the world. I want it to be calm, I want to see familiar faces, and I want it to be personal and on MY terms. I want one person that I can count on through the whole time, and who will be there when my baby comes. I want that person to hang back in the shadows in case something goes wrong and allow ME to deliver my baby, like my body was made to do. I don't want the drugs that could potentially have side effects, damaging results, or possibly send me to surgery. I don't want to have the baby, see him or her for 5 minutes, before they are taken to the nursery and only brought in for feeding. That is my baby and I want to hold him/her, kiss him/her, talk to him/her, and count his or her little toes for days before I will want to put him/her down. I want Leigh to be a part of this birth as much as possible. I want my family around, her family around, not 12 nurses and a bunch of interns that have never seen a baby being born before- I am NOT an experiment to be watched! And a home-birth can offer me this.

After all this, I can hear you saying "But what if something DOES go wrong?" and to answer you, if my midwife tells me: "Jaime, something is wrong, we need to go to the hospital" I will trust her and go. Because I will know that she has mine and my baby's best interests at heart. She isn't worried about dinner time, vacation time, lawsuits, or another 6 patients down the hall. She is focused on me and my baby, and knows what I want, and will do her best to get it for me. And if she can't, and things turn downhill, the hospital is never too far away. BUT let me tell you this interesting fact. Out of all the advanced countries in the world, the U.K., Australia, China, Japan, France, Canada, Germany, any of the countries that have over a 50% home birth rate- their mother&infant mortality rate is LESS THAN 1/3 of what ours in America is. We have the highest infant mortality rate in any civilized country! The difference? 99% of births in the US are in hospitals and only 1% are at home. They have the same drugs, the same hospitals, the same equipment, the same schooling for doctors, the same EVERYTHING except that they are smart enough to know that if you want a SAFE and positive birthing experience, you need to get out of the hospital.

To top it off, a normal vaginal birth at the average hospital will cost somewhere around $13,000. A surgical (c-section) birth? Upwards of $50,000. A home-birth, or birth at a birthing center with a midwife? Anywhere from $3-5,000, including prenatal and postnatal care. Why spend the extra money for the equipment, doctors, drugs, nurses, crappy hospital food, ect. that you DON'T NEED?!

So yes, I may sound like a hippie, yes I may sound weird for wanting the pain of childbirth, and yes, I may sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I have done my research, asked questions, looked into options, and figured out what is best for me. I DID the research. How many people that are pregnant/have had babies can say they did that? Almost none. People now put more research into buying a car or a new cell phone than they do how to bring a child into the world. And while that makes me sad, this is one woman that is having a natural at-home birth. And though you still may not agree with that choice, you cannot fault the logic behind the choice. :)

Cheers!

Getting to know us....

My first post-yay! I wanted to start this blog because very soon I'm going to be going through a lot of life changes, and I want to keep everyone updated on how it is going. To start, my name is Jaime, I'm 24 years old and living in Toledo, Ohio...for now. I am engaged to the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world. Her name is Leigh, she's 26, and has the cutest dimples. I call her my wife because here in Ohio, there is no gay marriage, but after 3 years of being together, and engaged for almost as long, I consider us to be married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I'm going to love her forever. 

Our engagement picture


We have a bunch of pets that we consider our kids. A puppy named Darth Vader who is a 1 year old pit bull/lab/beagle mix. 3 cats named Tiger (24 pounds), Ringo Starr (25 pounds), and Gizmo. A bearded dragon lizard named Eragon, a baby guinea pig named Padme, and 3 toads-it's a full house!


Darth Vader

 I love doing crafts, mainly crocheting and hand painting items. I have a store: www.facebook.com/heartforyourhome. I came by this because I needed something to do with my spare time. I picked up a hook and yarn, and taught myself how to make things. A friend of mine had a beautiful daughter on 2/25/11 named Megyn, and named me godmother. This sent me into crochet over-drive, I wanted to make her every cute thing in the world.

We are planning on TTC (Trying To Conceive) starting in January. We have a friend that is willing to donate to help us, and we are extremely excited. Since I was young I have only ever wanted to be a mommy. Others wanted to be a doctor, a fireman, a lawyer...I wanted to be a mom and have tons of little kids running around. I am hoping this will be an easy process, but I am sure it won't be lol

So basically this blog is just to document whats going on, and keep our family and extended family updated on our life. :)